Staying Up

For the first time since I can remember, the need to write has actually caused me to get out of bed long past when I thought I was settled for the night.

The reasons for this remain unclear so I decided to do what writers are often advised to do; ruminate and type and see what comes out.

I suppose I’ve had a difficult few weeks. Lots of areas of my life have wended their way to a crossroads. In some cases, I’ve had to pause and in others, I’ve been forced down roads I never expected I would have to go down; and landed right back where I started.

I imagine I’ll look back at this period of my life and recall it is a time of significant challenge and significant change. The scary part is right now, in the middle of it, I’m not sure if I’m rising well enough to the challenge and if I’m going to make the right choices to affect the right changes.

There are also some aspects that are currently out of my control and the impact that these will have on everything else remains uncertain.

I’m usually quite good at coping with adversity, making tough calls, being decisive and focusing on future outcomes. That’s what makes this situation even harder for me to work through. Why are the answers not obvious to me? Why am I paralysed?

Is it fear? Quite possibly.

Actually, yes.

Fear of failure.

Fear of failure resulting in procrastination – a process I’m all too familiar with.

In fact, is that not what I am doing right now?

Has my incessant need to procrastinate actually risen me from my bed?

Two things make me procrastinate; one being the need to avoid something boring or tedious. The second, fear of taking action due to fear of failure.

The stakes of the decisions I have to make at this point in my life are high. If I make the wrong call, the ripples will spread wide and far.

Rather dither than dive, right?

Ok, so I guess I did learning something from my nighttime writing stint.

I’ve got to dive. I have to.

 

Stepping Out

It’s amazing how on some days, all is going well and then in others, nothing is going well. 

Sometimes, these days follow directly on from each other.

Sometimes, I just cling onto the one thing that is going right to suddenly find that my faith has been misplaced and actually, even that one thing cannot save me from myself.

I wonder sometimes about the choices I’ve made in life. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I regret any of them as I don’t believe in regrets but I do think about how my life might have been if I’d have made different choices in those moments that make you, that set the course of who you’re going to be. 

Buffy quote right there…

Would I have been doing a different job? 

Would I have been living in a different country?

Would I have been … Different?

The answer is quite probably yes. 

Could I still influence those things in my current life? 

The answer is quite probably yes.

But it’s easy to look back and think what might have been.

It’s not so easy to look toward the future and think why don’t I step out and just be brave, disrupt the course I have set out upon and be… Different.

I’m not sure if I can be different; not now.

I’m not sure if I truly want to be.

What I am sure of is, is that I need to be doing a better job of the life I have now. I have to figure out a way to not just make it through but to make it work.

To make it.

Where Am I

Having first procrastinated about whether to write a new entry given how long it’s been since my last one, I decided to go for it.

I now find myself procrastinating about what to write.

I suppose I should start by explaining where I’ve been. But then, I’ve not really been anywhere special. Well, dealing with the usual life drama and on holiday sure but nowhere that’s truly incapacitated my ability to write.

I think my subconscious had something to do with it. Keeping me away I mean.

Yet again, I fail to commit to a routine or a project that will enable me to write. It’s like real life is like this big prison that I can’t break free from. My creativity is on the outside but I’m stuck well and truly on the inside.

So, yeah. Guess I’m in prison.

Getting Caught

Sometimes, life gets so busy then when you do finally stop it is overwhelming. Things catch up with you that you thought you had outrun. And you can only take a deep breath and wish for swift passage. And to start moving again.

Sandal Style

As I’ve embarked upon my last minute holiday shopping dash, I have become once again baffled when it comes to sandals.

And I say this because as with every year they are made out of the toughest leather, with a ridiculous amount of straps and even worse, with a strip of leather you slide between your toes.

I mean – what is that about?

Flip flops don’t just have to come in a ‘poke this between your toes’ style. What happened to the basic across the foot in nice material option?

And don’t get me started on jelly shoes. Kids, sure.. adults, what?

I realise this rant makes me sound incredibly old but surely, somewhere, someone must want to choose comfort over style? They’re sandals! They’ll get covered in sea, sand, baked in the sun, ice cream..

Where is the good old fashioned comfortable sandal?

Power of Prosecco

…Much chilled prosecco later.. and with Cheryl Cole ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ on repeat, I have thrown my fridge freezer a housewarming party and have dutifully provided a pot-washing/dance show.

*hits repeat*

And under the dimmed disco lights of my kitchen, I shall go one last round before retiring to my freshly made bed.

A good day in my household.

Fresh Starts

Ever since my fridge freezer decided to curl up and die on a Sunday evening and all its contents disposed of, I have just completed the mission of restocking the replacement.

And I have to tell you, stocking a fridge freezer (a new one at that) from scratch, has given me the immense satisfaction that I usually only get from writing in a new pad, reading a newspaper first, starting a new diary, wearing a new dress, having clean bedding etc. etc.

I love clean, shiny, new… and now I’m sipping on my freshly chilled prosecco and am enjoying the fact that for tonight at least, all is well with my world.

Instant Gratification – To Have or Not To Have?

I am still struggling today.

There is an instant gratification issue and my frustration at the lack of it is starting to hurt my head.

Today, a concern has been raised at work for which I can only currently determine possible scenarios rather than definitive absolutes and there is no way of predicting if or in fact when I will receive full information.

And because said concern will most certainly affect me in one way or another, the ‘not knowing’ has resulted in countless minutes wasted thinking of the ‘what if this happens’ or ‘what if that happens’.

Given my dilemma of yesterday and my conscious downloading of this issue to my blog, today, my self-awareness has sky-rocketed off the charts leaving me with the following observations about myself:

I must know everything.
And I must know as soon as it is possible to know.
I don’t like not knowing about things that may affect me.
I don’t like not having an opportunity to get my point across.
I don’t appreciate the need for silences now and then.
I don’t like not being able to soundly predict future events.
And if I suspect that I am failing at the above, my brain works through every possible scenario and counteraction.
I am simply a control freak.
I don’t like surprises.

Perhaps I should have been a spy.

Need for Approval

Having one of those adult-child experiences; you know – where you are an adult and you are free to make your own decisions but the silent yet simultaneously deafening judgement of your parents rings in your ears thus instantaneously reducing you to a child?

Yeah, one of those.

The decision isn’t life changing. Or world ending. Or in truth, much to do with my parents at all. And they haven’t tried to make me feel guilty, or offer up their opinion or even discuss the matter… It’s the silence. It’s the agreeable yet vague responses and the glossing over of any element of discussion relating to the matter which irks me the most.

It’s like when I was younger. When I misbehaved, I wanted the instant gratification of the telling off. I didn’t like the long silences or the disappointed and disapproving looks. That was torture for me.

Now, the silence mocks me. Like – what do they really think? Are they right? Does it matter? Have I made the wrong call? Who cares?

Why on earth do I feel the need to justify myself or even attempt to over something wholly insignificant in the grander scheme of all our lives?

I don’t feel like either of my parents perpetuates this behaviour and in the past, we have even discussed openly our different approaches to certain issues and decision making.

I know that this issue is my issue.

It’s just when I’m in the middle of it, I struggle to get control of it.

Reflection of the Evening Sun

As the watery, afternoon sun warms my face, I sit and type this with a light head and a peaceful heart.

Somehow, over the last two days I have managed to reach a balance that I have been lacking in a long time. Being able to relax without falling into a state of inertia.

The inertia was often bookended with periods of frenetic activity but in recent days, an equilibrium has settled in my consciousness.

And for the first time in a long while, I feel level.