As the watery, afternoon sun warms my face, I sit and type this with a light head and a peaceful heart.
Somehow, over the last two days I have managed to reach a balance that I have been lacking in a long time. Being able to relax without falling into a state of inertia.
The inertia was often bookended with periods of frenetic activity but in recent days, an equilibrium has settled in my consciousness.
And for the first time in a long while, I feel level.
I have to wonder; when you are experiencing a crisis, a loss or other emotionally turbulent time in your life, why is it that some people see fit to deflect this trauma back onto themselves? Why is that no matter how much you think people who know you would understand how trying you are finding current circumstances, are you always wrong? Why would you underestimate their self-obsession?
Sitting here drinking my Prosecco and nibbling on a bar of chocolate (in place of a hearty, healthy dinner), I have been reading about Blake Lively.
“I hide behind it [my hair] a bit because red carpets can be intimidating. And when my hair is in my face, I feel less exposed.”
“I’m not comfortable as me standing in front of 500 photographers, so I have to go somewhere else and pretend that I’m the confident person you hopefully expect me to be.”
I want to hate her but I just can’t. Because I know how she feels. Like, not because I have to navigate my way through 500 photographers on my way to Morrison’s but because we have all insecurities and I deal with mine the same way. Long hair down, in the face and a mask of confidence to hide the churning that often takes place deep in my gut when I’m uncomfortable/unhappy/insecure etc. etc.
In one way it’s reassuring but in another, it’s concerning – I mean, if she feels like this, even now… what hope do the rest of us have in overcoming it?
I’m not, I’m not planning to be… but then, maybe one day I will be.
And that concept may be one of the strangest I’ll ever have to wrap my head around.
I like to think of myself as a cerebral person – I’m always in my head; always contemplating, analysing, procrastinating.
The idea of having to deal with something physical; well – it’s just mind boggling to me.
It’s not like it’s something that can be rationalised or explained or solved.
I don’t like hospitals, never stayed in one – don’t want to.
Never broke a bone, never had anything more serious wrong me than a recurrent ear infection.
My GP would have a hard time telling you what I look like, even.
How on earth would I cope with this life changing event?
I think it would well and truly blow my mind.