I am still struggling today.
There is an instant gratification issue and my frustration at the lack of it is starting to hurt my head.
Today, a concern has been raised at work for which I can only currently determine possible scenarios rather than definitive absolutes and there is no way of predicting if or in fact when I will receive full information.
And because said concern will most certainly affect me in one way or another, the ‘not knowing’ has resulted in countless minutes wasted thinking of the ‘what if this happens’ or ‘what if that happens’.
Given my dilemma of yesterday and my conscious downloading of this issue to my blog, today, my self-awareness has sky-rocketed off the charts leaving me with the following observations about myself:
I must know everything.
And I must know as soon as it is possible to know.
I don’t like not knowing about things that may affect me.
I don’t like not having an opportunity to get my point across.
I don’t appreciate the need for silences now and then.
I don’t like not being able to soundly predict future events.
And if I suspect that I am failing at the above, my brain works through every possible scenario and counteraction.
I am simply a control freak.
I don’t like surprises.
Perhaps I should have been a spy.
Having one of those adult-child experiences; you know – where you are an adult and you are free to make your own decisions but the silent yet simultaneously deafening judgement of your parents rings in your ears thus instantaneously reducing you to a child?
Yeah, one of those.
The decision isn’t life changing. Or world ending. Or in truth, much to do with my parents at all. And they haven’t tried to make me feel guilty, or offer up their opinion or even discuss the matter… It’s the silence. It’s the agreeable yet vague responses and the glossing over of any element of discussion relating to the matter which irks me the most.
It’s like when I was younger. When I misbehaved, I wanted the instant gratification of the telling off. I didn’t like the long silences or the disappointed and disapproving looks. That was torture for me.
Now, the silence mocks me. Like – what do they really think? Are they right? Does it matter? Have I made the wrong call? Who cares?
Why on earth do I feel the need to justify myself or even attempt to over something wholly insignificant in the grander scheme of all our lives?
I don’t feel like either of my parents perpetuates this behaviour and in the past, we have even discussed openly our different approaches to certain issues and decision making.
I know that this issue is my issue.
It’s just when I’m in the middle of it, I struggle to get control of it.
As the watery, afternoon sun warms my face, I sit and type this with a light head and a peaceful heart.
Somehow, over the last two days I have managed to reach a balance that I have been lacking in a long time. Being able to relax without falling into a state of inertia.
The inertia was often bookended with periods of frenetic activity but in recent days, an equilibrium has settled in my consciousness.
And for the first time in a long while, I feel level.
I have to wonder; when you are experiencing a crisis, a loss or other emotionally turbulent time in your life, why is it that some people see fit to deflect this trauma back onto themselves? Why is that no matter how much you think people who know you would understand how trying you are finding current circumstances, are you always wrong? Why would you underestimate their self-obsession?
Sitting here drinking my Prosecco and nibbling on a bar of chocolate (in place of a hearty, healthy dinner), I have been reading about Blake Lively.
“I hide behind it [my hair] a bit because red carpets can be intimidating. And when my hair is in my face, I feel less exposed.”
“I’m not comfortable as me standing in front of 500 photographers, so I have to go somewhere else and pretend that I’m the confident person you hopefully expect me to be.”
I want to hate her but I just can’t. Because I know how she feels. Like, not because I have to navigate my way through 500 photographers on my way to Morrison’s but because we have all insecurities and I deal with mine the same way. Long hair down, in the face and a mask of confidence to hide the churning that often takes place deep in my gut when I’m uncomfortable/unhappy/insecure etc. etc.
In one way it’s reassuring but in another, it’s concerning – I mean, if she feels like this, even now… what hope do the rest of us have in overcoming it?
I’m not, I’m not planning to be… but then, maybe one day I will be.
And that concept may be one of the strangest I’ll ever have to wrap my head around.
I like to think of myself as a cerebral person – I’m always in my head; always contemplating, analysing, procrastinating.
The idea of having to deal with something physical; well – it’s just mind boggling to me.
It’s not like it’s something that can be rationalised or explained or solved.
I don’t like hospitals, never stayed in one – don’t want to.
Never broke a bone, never had anything more serious wrong me than a recurrent ear infection.
My GP would have a hard time telling you what I look like, even.
How on earth would I cope with this life changing event?
I think it would well and truly blow my mind.
I saw a post today on Twitter with a picture of Mork and Mindy and it made me think about all the cool shows I used to watch when I was growing up…
- Saved by the Bell
- Sister Sister
- Mork and Mindy
- California Dreams
- My So Called Life
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Ally McBeal
- Knightmare (loved the recent anniversary edition!)
- Scooby Doo
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- Sex and The City
Ok, I know the age-range for the above is rather varied but they all mean something to me, and bring back all kinds of good memories.
The child in me would love to see ‘My So Called Life’ again – Claire Danes was amazing even back then.
The teenager in me would love to see ‘Buffy’ make a comeback, but maybe given how much time has passed, this may just be a little sad..
The early twenties me would love to see ‘Ally McBeal’ again; I swear, as much as that show was slated, I thought it was epic genius.
It’s just amazing to look back and think about how TV has changed, how much culture has changed, how much reality TV has dumbed down TV in so many ways (not that I don’t watch it… but still, isn’t it easier to do a reality show than to think of something original and creative?)
Maybe one day one of these shows will come back … and if they do, sure I’ll be happy… but I’ll bet you I’ll feel totally old.