Staying Up

For the first time since I can remember, the need to write has actually caused me to get out of bed long past when I thought I was settled for the night.

The reasons for this remain unclear so I decided to do what writers are often advised to do; ruminate and type and see what comes out.

I suppose I’ve had a difficult few weeks. Lots of areas of my life have wended their way to a crossroads. In some cases, I’ve had to pause and in others, I’ve been forced down roads I never expected I would have to go down; and landed right back where I started.

I imagine I’ll look back at this period of my life and recall it is a time of significant challenge and significant change. The scary part is right now, in the middle of it, I’m not sure if I’m rising well enough to the challenge and if I’m going to make the right choices to affect the right changes.

There are also some aspects that are currently out of my control and the impact that these will have on everything else remains uncertain.

I’m usually quite good at coping with adversity, making tough calls, being decisive and focusing on future outcomes. That’s what makes this situation even harder for me to work through. Why are the answers not obvious to me? Why am I paralysed?

Is it fear? Quite possibly.

Actually, yes.

Fear of failure.

Fear of failure resulting in procrastination – a process I’m all too familiar with.

In fact, is that not what I am doing right now?

Has my incessant need to procrastinate actually risen me from my bed?

Two things make me procrastinate; one being the need to avoid something boring or tedious. The second, fear of taking action due to fear of failure.

The stakes of the decisions I have to make at this point in my life are high. If I make the wrong call, the ripples will spread wide and far.

Rather dither than dive, right?

Ok, so I guess I did learning something from my nighttime writing stint.

I’ve got to dive. I have to.

 

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Stepping Out

It’s amazing how on some days, all is going well and then in others, nothing is going well. 

Sometimes, these days follow directly on from each other.

Sometimes, I just cling onto the one thing that is going right to suddenly find that my faith has been misplaced and actually, even that one thing cannot save me from myself.

I wonder sometimes about the choices I’ve made in life. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I regret any of them as I don’t believe in regrets but I do think about how my life might have been if I’d have made different choices in those moments that make you, that set the course of who you’re going to be. 

Buffy quote right there…

Would I have been doing a different job? 

Would I have been living in a different country?

Would I have been … Different?

The answer is quite probably yes. 

Could I still influence those things in my current life? 

The answer is quite probably yes.

But it’s easy to look back and think what might have been.

It’s not so easy to look toward the future and think why don’t I step out and just be brave, disrupt the course I have set out upon and be… Different.

I’m not sure if I can be different; not now.

I’m not sure if I truly want to be.

What I am sure of is, is that I need to be doing a better job of the life I have now. I have to figure out a way to not just make it through but to make it work.

To make it.